Tuesday, May 19, 2009,
just kill me.
I feel like a loser on her way to losing her sanity
It struck me today that I am no where near my dreams. I saw my primary school friend on TV today, she managed to make a breakthrough in biomedical science. She is one step nearer to achieving her dream. I saw how happy she was, talking about the thing she is most passionate about and strongly believes in. I felt my heart break at this point. An image of myself a few years later sitting behind a desk doing some mundane job, getting through life with the same routine over and over again.
There was no smile on my face and regret was all I could feel.
I told myself at the start of this year, I will focus more on photography. I will work towards my dream on becoming a well-known photographer. I will eat, smell, taste, live and breathe photography. It was a fucking goddamned lie. Where I am right now, I am drifting further and further away from it. All the shit work like marketing and intro to media, what good use is it in Photography. All the work thrown at my face, does it really matter at the end of the day. It's so stressful. I came here thinking it was the better choice, sure it's Poly, it's a safer path. My parents are happy. I guess I am too, after all it's stable. I won't lose my head, I won't go nuts stressing over deadlines that was so common when I did art, I won't go crazy.
But I am so fucking wrong.
It is starting to haunt me that I didn't choose to go into art school.
Where I am right now, it sucks. I don't feel passionate about what I do. I don't want to goddamn breathe marketing forever. I feel like dropping out of school. I really do. It's really pointless. Like whye waste time and money? Photography is a part of me. It gets me through those hard morbid times when no one could do anything. How could I fucking be so stupid. I am going crazy just thinking of my life without photography. My last big photoshoot was months ago. While everyone is achieving their dreams, I am here struggling to get through school doing those awful tutorials. If I was in an art course, being immersed with art projects and having a much more difficult time then in Media Studies, I will still be okay with it, because at least, I am doing what I am passionate about. Whye did I never think of it that way. I can't believe I am right here right now.
The pain I feel can never justify the pain my heart really feels. I know this is going to hurt the people around me but I feel so upset/frustrated/angry/irritated with myself that I don't really care. It really hurts to the point where I feel the need like inflict damage on myself. I feel like screaming, I feel like crying, I feel like sleeping. I need to justify the pain I feel. The next pictures I will take, it will be beautiful and bloody. I swear to you that.
I will be the girl with the forgotten dreams.
Keep on living in lies
And if you think I'm trying to be a poseur, fuck off. I don't need your sympathy.
9:59 AM
